My dad is an illiterate dumb fuck hick

That pretty much says it all. Every email I get from him feels like an offense against the English language. Just a snippet:

so I would apprieciate it if you and WIFEUNIT could try to help him with hi faty and carbohydrate diet he is eating to much of,,,,,He only works 6hrs. and sleeps 10 to 12 hrs. so he isn't burning near all calories he is eating,,,,U and he have same problem so get together,,,will u,,,It is difficult I know especially sence KID#1 and KID#4 ,,,KID #3,and KID #5,,,,need to eat hi fat,,carb diet it seems but u and KMP defintly don't.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Even dad isn't so dumb as to refer to my wife and kids thusly.

Even if he's got a point, how can I listen to him? Every little gem he throws at me feels like it should be chucked back at his head.

Feels like I'm being disrespectful, like I'm breaking the 4th commandment.

That's what I was shooting for anyway. Going to Hell anyway for the other five broken commandments. The man is not worthy of my respect. Bad grammar and a lack of understanding of spellcheck are the least of his shortcomings.

I need a time machine

I would go back in time to tell myself in 1985 to:

• Never, ever supersize.
• Instead of buying stock in etoys, buy Apple.
• Don’t play pocket jacks in 2007 & 2008. Just fold’em and move on.
• For the good of humanity, you must assassinate a man named Michael Bay. You will find him in 1986 on the set of Miami Vice playing goon#3. And while you’re there warn Don Johnson that if he records an album then he’s next.